Portland: Reasons Why It’s Hipster Hunting Season

I was watching this wildlife documentary where the narrator explained that, in overcrowded populations, it’s important to thin out the herds. This caused me to think about how Portland has been increasingly infested with hipster trash, ever since Seattle hired the guy from the Mentors to kill the dude from that one band with the naked baby dick on their album cover (forcing anyone who ever owned flannel to move to Portland). Then, I read Mein Kampf and wondered if Hitler just picked the wrong group, thus inspiring this column.

1. Portland Hipsters Are Racists

There are two distinct types of racism that are prevalent in Oregon, both of which are unique to our white-bred state. The first, being the typical "I don’t like people of a different color" variety, stands in contrast to the well-disguised, liberal-associated "Can I touch your hair?" racism. This latter variety of ignorance is common in hipster circles throughout gentrified America. However, it is particularly concentrated within the Portland scene. As opposed to exclusionary racism, Portland hipster racism involves unwanted acceptance on part of whoever is being tokened out for DJ Rachetey Cracker’s hip hop night, Bridgetown’s "Colors of Comedy" showcase or whatever gangster-themed house party is happening this weekend in Lake Oswego.

Much like modern-day groups of urban black youth are often affiliated with a solitary white member who, for whatever reason, earned a hood pass, Portland hipster cliques are the polar opposite; ten white people in ironic mustaches who think that inviting the black kid from art school to a social function earns them the right to drop N-bombs at karaoke night.

The reason I attest to the racism, and not just ignorance, of Portland hipsters, is that this entire group of vanilla-toned kids won’t travel east of 82nd street, even if Black Chad joined them. There is no way in hell they want anyone from 7th and Alberta to visit their "hood party" on 27th and Alberta, but that’s "like, not because of skin color or anything, we just don’t want an ’urban’ vibe at our party because we’re trying to be good neighbors."

On a side note, thirty years ago, anyone attempting to take a photo of the intersection near Salt n’ Straw (a hotspot for hipster trash, both local and visiting) would be shanked for whipping out a camera in public. If you don’t think Portland hipsters are racist, invite a dozen black rappers to whatever "hip hop festival" is currently being held in the Pearl District, and see how quickly Backpack Jack and his posse of white friends bring up the fire code, the dress code, bro code, or just use some sort of code to make sure the coloreds use the service entrance.

2. The Portland Hipster Economy is a Self-Contained Black Hole

"Hey, if you, like, support me by funding my shitty start-up zine store, I’ll do you a solid and let you into the venue for free." And with that, Tinkerbell waved her magic wand, allowing Neverland residents the option of living ten people to a studio, no matter what their age, with zero threat of social stigma. No one would ever have to work again, especially not the owners of businesses run and patronized by hipsters.

Anarchist coffee shop teetering between going into the red and black? Blame society, Kickstart another year’s worth of rent and paint over the wet mold. No one showing up to support your venue? Get rid of the cover charge, sell two dollar cans of PBR and then do what the anarchist coffee shop did after the venue takes a year’s worth of loss.

Hipsters thrive off of entitlement and irony, meaning that the concept of paying for a service, one that could potentially be hooked up for free, is ten times as foreign as whatever bullshit white European country these kids visit every summer before returning home and educating everyone on how they do things over there (you don’t understand, you’ve never spent a week in Prague). Since it is also true that low quality production and output (see this month’s Tales From the DJ Booth) are acceptable to hipster trash, the only way a hipster will ever contribute to an economy is by offering products and services that no one wants.

"Here at Nifty Burger, we carve everything into the shape of Elliot Smith."
"Yeah, but the buns are moldy."
"Well, if you can find a better Elliot Smith shaped burger in this town, then let us know."

3. Hipsters Are the Worst Strip Club Customers

Following from the idea that an economy cannot run on entitlement and "I know the owner" alone, the ultimate negative impact a Portland hipster can have is on a stripper who is trying to pay her rent.

Walk into any of the "cool" Portland-area strip clubs, and you will notice a gorgeous, tattooed, flexible performer, sitting alone on stage in front of an empty rack while all the bearded fucktards are at the bar, taking turns trying to haggle the price of Miller High Life cans from the only girl in the establishment who has a paycheck. Seriously, put this column down for a quick second and look at the bar. I’m describing this exact scenario, aren’t I?

Well, if you want to subvert the group of guys in Black Flag shirts (none of whom name a single singer other than Rollins), who will each undoubtedly try to impress that lonely stripper once the bouncer yells "last call," the easiest way to do that is to go tip the girl in cash while the extras from Portlandia jerk each other off. Trust me, strippers think money is a lot cooler than stories about drinking with the guy from Dead Moon, and if you buy a lapdance, you can trick the hipsters into thinking the bar is closed (they’ll wonder where that naked lady by the pole ran off to, and why she didn’t stick around for key bumps of crappy hipster blow).

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