Stripper Kombat & At Least Call It A Remix

Published March 2008 in Exotic

Stripper Kombat

Regardless of how many bouncers a club employs (or fails to employ), sooner or later, every strip-club DJ ends up witnessing a fight between dancers. More often than not, something no larger than Biz Markie’s fan base is to blame for the cause of the fight—a "stolen" (aka misplaced) outfit, a "stolen" (aka hustled) customer, etc. Just as often, the outcome of the fight ends up in buckets of blood and/or alcohol (interchangeable terms for most of the dancers involved in at-work fights) and the wahhhh-mbulance pulls in to pick up whichever girl is "not at fault" (whichever one’s fucking the manager on duty). The pattern repeats itself like a Nickelback song, regardless of which club it happens at.

Being the responsible, caring adult that I am, I like to restrict violence in the workplace to male-on-male action (go ahead and take that out of context...I could use a gig at the Viewpoint), so it was no surprise when I became the peacekeeper between two girls who "knew each other outside the club" (ate box lunches before and after work) but were on really, really bad terms. Over what? Both of them had forgotten. Still, in the words of one, the other was a "trick-ass bitch." The other accused the first one of being a "bitch-ass trick."

It was on.

Knowing both of these girls (one being nicknamed "Bulldog," and not for her looks), I realized quickly that any water I threw on the fire would most likely turn to gasoline in mid-air. So, I decided to allow the girls to fight if (and only if) they did so onstage. The rules were simple: rip each other’s clothes off and winner keeps all of the tips obtained during the set.

Fuck, I have like ten seconds until this song is over and then "Bulldog" is up. The girls would have to come onstage together, during Maria’s set...

...C://Mp3/Soundtracks/Mortal Kombat Theme.mp3...

...and if Asia wins, then Maria is going to be even more pissed about it, so customers would have to cough up some serious cash.

What to pick for the second song?

...C://Mp3/Soundtracks/Joe Esposito - You’re The Best.mp3...

All ready for the fight, I announced that so-and-so was stepping off after blah-blah-blah and available for a whatever...and then I cut the music. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working in this industry, silence gets people’s attention quicker than anything you can say over the mic.

"You fuckers listening? Okay, for Maria’s set...we will have...STRIPPER KOMBAT! Dollars on the racks, winner takes all! Maria. Asia. Round One. FIGHT!"

For the first time in months, both Maria and Asia were completely cool with "dancing" to what I had picked on my own and the Mortal Kombat theme music was more than fitting. A cop-out, actually, but hey, I’m cheap. But there was no "dancing." No more than fifteen seconds into the bumpada-bumpada techno crap that is the MK theme (great game, horrible movie, soundtrack a reason for KMFDM, et al., to make more money, etc.), these chicks were not only tearing off each other’s clothes, but I can swear I saw the girls throwing actual punches to the face.

The fifty-plus bills of various denominations didn’t exactly motivate the dancers to stop fighting. Plus, it doesn’t help the cause when your club’s booking agent/bouncer is more entertained by fighting strippers than you are. By the time "You’re The Best" (circa Karate Kid) started playing, though, we had a bigger problem. The girls were completely naked and there were no more clothes to remove. And so far, the song had only made it to the part about trying to be tough but realizing that you’re only a man and that a man’s gotta learn to taaake it.

So there they were, two bloody strippers completely naked and covered in cash. Again. But, this time, it was at work. And, I had to find a way to finish out the next three minutes of the dancer’s set (Stripper Kombat or not, I was still responsible for having a girl on stage and the next dancer up was giving a lap dance at the time). At this point, I remembered the personal mantra that had got me through similar situations in the past: WWKD? (What Would Kano Do?).

Crossfader to the left.

Bass level on mic turned to high.

"Maria...FINISH HER!," And she did, face full of snatch in the middle of a shady Gresham titty bar.

I do not recommend that any other DJs execute Stripper Kombat without knowing what they’re getting into. However, if any of you out there actually pull it off, email me the story and I’ll plagiarize it as my own.

At Least Call It A Remix

If you do the math, a limitation of eight musical notes (twenty-four if you want to be a dick) recorded in four-minute increments means that only a certain number of songs can be performed and subsequently, genuinely "new" music gets rarer and rarer. This is probably why DJ/techno/hip hop/ BPM/sampling is getting so big—the reuse of previously recorded material is considered to be original.

However, don’t rewrite a fucking song and call it your own. "Paralyzed" by Finger Eleven was better when Skid Row did it as "Youth Gone Wild." Dandy Warhols’ "Bohemian Like You" rips off a Stones song that was basically a rewrite of another Stones song ("Gimme Shelter" vs. "Jumpin’ Jack Flash," i.e. Gary Busey vs. Nick Nolte). And, what the fuck happened to AFI? Remember when they wrote original oi music that centered around straightedge lifestyles and not taking shit from the opposite sex? Either way, "Miss Murder" might as well be a Green Day B-side.

Bottom line? Either stick with an ‘80s-night format or play rap music. It’s a sad state, but it’s better than endorsing redundant rip-offs of songs that were never good to begin with.

(click here for more Tales From The DJ Booth)