Upcoming Cancellations For 2021
Published April 2021 in Exotic
Due to an email from a person who has read our magazine once, Tales From The DJ Booth has been canceled until further notice. As part of his punishment, DJ HazMatt has relinquished this space to progressive voices that shall remain anonymous.
Okay, so, like, it’s the current year, okay? We’ve already taken down the big dogs, such as Pepe Le Pew, Speedy Gonzalez, Dr. Seuss and that guy from The Apprentice. But, as we sit here idling in our Volkswagens while smoking American Spirits and listening to John Lennon, we can’t help but wonder, what sort of Nazi-endorsed, pro-colonization, wife beater will pop up onto the radar next? So, it’s our duty to present to you, the virtuous reader, our list of to-be-canceled celebrities.
Sebastian The Crab
So, there’s Ariel, a teenage girl with a rare condition that—in addition to making her lower half smell more like fish than other girls—hinders her ability to walk. Then, you’ve got Eric, the poster boy for white saviorism and patriarchy-endorsed concepts of masculinity. What’s the only thing stopping Eric from sexually assaulting teenage Ariel in an attempt to reconstruct her body to fit an "acceptable" standard of having two legs? That’s right—a rape apologist named Sebastian, who uses song and dance to pressure Eric into kissing Ariel. The song made famous by Sebastian, "Kiss The Girl," does not contain the word "consent" once. Not one fucking time. How about "Ask The Girl" or "Wait For The Girl To Make The First Move," huh? Add Sebastian to the list of Disney characters we’d rather not meet in an alley after dark (or a frat party, for that matter).
Talk about unrealistic beauty standards— white skin, blonde hair, eight inches tall with no nipples and a removable head? That sounds like mini-Hilter’s wet dream, if you ask us. Little girls need strong, positive, healthy role models like Cardi B and pre-weight-loss Adele, not plastic figurines with irresponsibly unattainable body proportions. Barbie is representative of oppressive white standards of beauty and she promotes the objectification/decapitating/microwaving of women.
The AngelSoft Baby
If you haven’t already noticed, the idea of being "soft, ivory and angelic" is a problematic western belief system, rooted in white supremacy and the idea that only light-toned toilet tissue should be used to wipe clumps of fecal waste from one’s anus. Why isn’t there any black or brown toilet tissue? Is it possibly because people are afraid to trust the dark-colored butt paper? "But, I have no idea whether or not my ass is clean, unless I can look at the last wipe tissue and make sure there’s nothing left." Uh-huh, whatever you say, Adolf. We all know why people use Angel Soft: the allure of the pure, white baby on the packaging of poop chute cleaner is basically the ideal Aryan child. Besides, what’s wrong with the Scotts?! Too dark for Drumph’s America? Put simply, anything above one-ply is hate.
Come on...this guy has got to be racist. A gun-toting, redneck, cis white male, who enjoys harming innocent bunnies, while showing blatant disregard to the indigenous land on which he recklessly fires his illegally sawed-off shotgun? Show us a cowboy-hat-laden dude with a red beard and we’ll show you a four-hour internet discussion about how the Confederate flag isn’t problematic (or, at the very least, a guy hiding behind an iron cross avatar, who knows a suspicious amount about runes and Viking culture).
A Latinx, female-presenting refugee on a can of beans, which are only consumed by white people. Need we say more?
Okay, before releasing the same song 300 times, "rapper" Drake portrayed a homophobe named "Jimmy," who appropriated non-able-bodied culture in a television show called Degrassi: The Next Generation (whose title appropriated Star Trek: TNG, a show that appeals to neurodivergent youth). What happened was, Drake bullied a gay student until the gay student, [name redacted to avoid doxing from the far-right], got sick of it and popped a cap into Drake/Jimmy’s ass, leaving Drake/Jimmy in a wheelchair. And, do you know what Canadian- born Drake decided to do with the attention he received after becoming paralyzed from his hate crime? He appropriated black gangster culture and has made a living ever since, embracing urban/ethnic stereotypes while dancing around stages in what is clearly an attempt to mock the few remaining non-able-bodied people who looked up to his Degrassi: TNG character. Oh, and he’s collaborated with Eminem, a homophobic, coulrophobic rapper who has openly attacked—among other things—his own mother’s cooking (note: Eminem will never be canceled, because he came out against Trump, thus rinsing himself of two decades’ worth of promoting rape, murder and violence, exclusively targeted women). Was this part of "God’s Plan," Drake? We think not.
Sure, this seemingly impossible-to-cancel celebrity is treated like the cool stepfather that Mother America never settled down with, but what most people don’t know is that his son, Chester "Chet" Hanks, is a card-carrying white rapper of the wankster variety, one that pretends he is from the hood, when his dad is Tom Fucking Hanks. That’s right—Tom Hanks has an adult child named "Chester," who typed the phrase "fuck ‘yall hating ass niggaz" on Instagram and no one seems to have noticed. "But, why not cancel Chet?" That’s a damn good question. You know why we can’t cancel Chet Hanks? Because Chet Hanks isn’t a fucking celebrity—but, his dad, Tom Hanks, is—and it was the sperm of Tom Hanks that turned into Chet. So, by default, Tom Hanks should be canceled to pay for the sins of his N-bomb-spewing, white rapper of a son. Thankfully, Chet Hank’s debut EP, Black (a tribute to his father’s best film of a similar name), has been shelved. And, if it ever sees the light of day, we’re coming for Rita.
The Frosted Mini-Wheat
Yeah, this guy:
We’re pretty sure he’s up to something... we can’t quite tell, but that look in his eye screams, "I know I’m toxic and white, but I just don’t care."
Although we’re definitely not the only femmes with Bundy love, Netflix star and sex symbol, Ted Bundy, is supposedly guilty of murdering at least one woman, according to allegations made against him by bitter and unmarried true crime author, Ann Rule. We’re pretty sure "Dreamy Theo" is innocent, but, just to be safe, we put him on this list so Ann will stop emailing us.
The 19th Amendment From Schoolhouse Rock
Yeah, that’s gonna be a "yikes" from us. Oof. How about we reduce every accomplishment granted to women by men into a caricature that completely overlooks the actual history of women being allowed to vote (which was a direct consequence of horny, racist farmers in Wyoming bribing chicks with property rights)? Should we really pretend that a really corny song-and-dance number from the days of non-digital animation is enough to make up for centuries of oppression? Why is this even allowed to be a thing??? And, no, we’re not talking about any of the consequences associated with the actual 19th Amendment (such as emotional reasoning that nullifies the purpose of a two-parent household, thus creating a vicious cycle of dependent criminals with no male role models being put through a revolving door of prisons and parole offices), we mean the cheesy cartoon character from Schoolhouse Rock. Trust us, if YouTube takes down the last remaining video clip of this problematic little floozy, women will be able to return to the coal mines and front lines in no time.